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A lot to think about
Jun. 6th, 2022 11:23 amI started this on Saturday, May 28th and rewrote it to include two weekends ~
Saturdays, as I have mentioned before, have been our special family dinner day for many years. With my schedule, Saturday night is the only night that I feel my freedom of having a day off the next day. It is also my busiest day of the week so I am exhausted and ready for a reward for my hard work. Recently, various things have made Saturday inconvenient. My daughter has cram school from 7:00 - 9:00 for one. Then recently I had to add another class at the end of the day, making my finishing time 6:30 instead of 5:30, so it is harder to prepare a special dinner afterwards. But last Saturday, when I asked Audrey if she still wanted something special for Saturday even though she couldn't be there for dinner, she said she did. So last weekend, I got Julian to buy some steaks and beef for taco salad, and I made a nice dinner. Hubby joined the boys and me for dinner and I had some wine but hubby didn't drink because he had gone out to drink the day before. He asked me on the day if he could bring his mom for dinner, but since we hadn't really cleaned house and I had no time on Saturday, I asked him for a rain check. He asked me again later that night if we could ask her for dinner the next day. This made my already busy Sunday even busier and it meant I wouldn't have much time to take a break. But, hubby also offered to go to COSTCO for some chicken and pizza so (other than clean)I only had to prepare a salad, and we hadn't seen MIL in a while so I grudgingly said yes.
Last Sunday, I had choir practice, so I cleaned up the living room in the morning, and hubby got the boys to vacuum while I was out. After dinner, we spent some time playing Old Maid. It is a simple game but it was quite lively and fun. Julian won the game once without even playing by getting sets on all of his cards. It is interesting to watch everyone as we play. Hubby always blabs about how he thinks I (whom he has to pick from) have the joker. Alex and Julian both have good poker faces but I could tell Alex had the joker for 4 out of the 5 games by how Audrey and MIL reacted when they got it LOL
This weekend, Audrey had her Sports Day. It was her last Sports Day before JH graduation but attendance by family members was restricted to one per family and I had classes during her events so Hubby went. I was hoping he'd watch her 100m sprint but he didn't get there in time and just watched the relay. It was a very hot day. The kids were allowed to take off their masks as they ran but hubby said many did not. Several kids also had to leave early from heat stroke.
On Sunday, I had a school admin meeting to attend in the morning as well as choir. That was again rather stressful for me, especially since I have to take Hana for her walk too. But, the admin staff could all come only on a Sunday so it couldn't be helped. I asked Julian if he could take Hana for the walk and he said sure, but I felt better about it on the day and took her myself. We met a couple of friends and I took some hydrangea pictures. At the office meeting, my husband lowered his mask when he was talking and it made me a bit uncomfortable. He then went on to tell everyone at the meeting that he hated the way the mask chaffed at his mouth as he talked so please excuse him for lowering it. I noticed he scooted back a bit so that he was not "in range" of the workers in front of us. We talked a bit about the possibility of removing masks in classes, but decided that we would do so when public schools did, since parents were probably still worried. Teaching a language with a mask on is very counter productive, and I am considering using a plastic mask instead so the kids can see my mouth at least, but ... I really hate those things and for my comfort, I'd rather have a mask. It is a difficult issue. We also talked about how we have gotten to know people during these three years only with their masks on and it will be a shock to see their whole face. The jaw line is a game changer in the way a face looks, you know?! Has anyone experienced this shock? I've experienced it once with some new students I got during the epidemic.
We also talked about one of the students who was quitting, that I mentioned in my previous post. He was a real challenge, especially at 4 years old when he first started. He was unable to sit and listen and do drills with the other kids and it was disruptive. I suspect he is on the spectrum. He got better though, and the other kids also got better at "not being disrupted." His kindergarten told his mom he couldn't stay with them because they didn't have the resources to take care of him, but when his mom told me she was thinking of quitting a few months back when this happened, I told her that the other kids were able to sit in their chairs and listen while he might go off and start rearranging my CDs by color or the numbers on the felt calendar board, and that as long as he was in the room, he was learning something. He was welcome to stay. So she decided not to quit. Recently, he was also able to do some of the drills with them and I was really happy about the improvements. Unfortunately, he also seemed to have family issues. His dad kept using the money that they needed to pay us so the bank transaction never went through. Finally, his mom phoned recently and she told the staff she really appreciated what I had done for her son but she needed to start working so she couldn't bring him anymore (WHAT KIND OF FATHER WAS THIS?! A GAMBLER??). Anyway, we talked about how sorry we felt for this little boy - how it was a tragedy that he was kicked out of his kindergarten and of course his dad's issues which made it impossible for him to go to a proper kindergarten with care and also to continue studying English with me. I am including this story because it ties in with what I write about later.
At choir practice, the topic of conversation was again masks. Ko Matsushita, the composer, is now in Germany. He told our teacher about the mask situation on his trip - on the Japanese airline, the attendant announced that everyone had to wear their masks even when they were sleeping, and that they would wake anyone who happened to fall asleep without. This was regulation. Our teacher felt that was excessive. Then when he got to Germany, no one was wearing masks; even at the airport. We collectively despaired at Japanese society and our inability to take the first step. We also talked about how, children who have been raised for the past three years to always wear masks outside of the home now feel naked without them and that they will have a hard time letting go. I realized that when I went for a walk that morning I had seen people without masks but I myself had kept my mask - except when I pushed it down when no one was around. There I was despairing about Japanese people and I was the one who had kept my mask on. Next time, maybe I need to be more assurtive and act the foreigner so other people feel comfortable taking them off too.
Saturday night, Audrey joined me on the couch. She would not have appreciated The Shooter, so I suggested we watch Goonies together. I had wanted to watch an oldie with her for a while and it was the perfect opportunity. She resisted at first, but agreed to try it and she enjoyed it! Yay for mom/daughter movie night <3
I went on Goodreads to see what my friends were reading and picked up on a book called Sitting Pretty by Rebekah Taussig. It's non-fiction, written by a woman who uses a wheelchair. She writes about disability, her life with disability, how people view it and how it should be viewed to create a better society. It reminded me of several posts written and read here and on Dreamwidth: a Friday Five that made us think of eye glasses for example - how school children would cruelly tease others with glasses only a generation or so ago and how, now, it is nothing out of the ordinary since so many of us have this disability. I mean, unless I think carefully about it, I don't even consider my terribly short sighted eyes as a disability because I can live a normal sighted life with glasses or contact lenses. And just as importantly, I have no interest in even having surgery to regain eyesight, having been this way since I was 8 or 9. This was a key point written by the author - that non-disabled people think all disabled people want to "be cured." The book also reminds the reader that we are all disabled in one form or other. How much of a minority the perfectly functioning and highly productive body and mind is. I mean, it's probably not even "normal" LOL And if anyone has that sort of body and mind, this WILL eventually deteriorate as they grow older even if they are never in an accident, get sick or otherwise find themselves suddenly lacking. So, creating a society where disabled people can function more easily is for everyone's benefit.
In another post, I talked with a friend about how I felt that there was some similarity to my life as a foreigner in Japan to a life of a blind person in society of seeing people, and I felt this again when the author of Sitting Pretty talked about her life as she grew up in a family (whose other members did not have her disability), and as she entered society around her. When you are a child, and in your own family, whatever you are is normal to you. You figure out how to do things the easiest way you can in your situation and you are comfortable in the love of your family. When you enter school or otherwise start to interact with people around you, you see how they see you and you start seeing things differently as well. This was a big shock to the author and it reminded me of how similar I felt when I entered kindergarten here in Japan. All of the kids around me were Japanese. I was the only foreigner. The children were not mean to me that I recall. The teachers would not let them be. Some of the kids I am sure were enchanted by me as many were in the years to come. Total strangers would come up to me and ask to be my friend - I remember two older girls at a public pool in particular - while once in a while I'd get kids trying out their English by shouting "This is a pen!" at me on the street or more often calling me Gaijin (outsider). In both these situations I felt strongly like I did not belong. I wanted soooo much to have black hair and brown eyes like all the other kids and just blend in!
I grew up among Japanese children, but when I entered the missionary school, I found that many of the children there had not. They had been at the American missionary school since kindergarten and grown up among children mostly from the USA. They were again very different from me in that sense. I felt then that I (and a couple others like me) had a sort of advantage in understanding the culture and the language around me, while these children were sheltered by their parents and had missed out on so much. These kids went back to their home country as soon as they graduated, and I don't think any of them came back to Japan to live. Even my best friends who had similar experiences as me ended up living in the USA. It may have been difficult, but they integrated and became a part of the society there. I, on the other hand, went to Canada for university but never felt at home there and I came right back to Japan when I graduated. Culture-wise, I feel most at home here, and that is a fact. Because of my parents' decision to immerse me in Japanese culture, I acquired the language. And because of the timing of entrance into American school I was able to also acquire English - enough that it is my main language as it should as a Canadian. I am very grateful to them for this gift.
But, I will forever be alone in a sense. There is no one who really understands me here or even in my "home country" Canada. Of course, there ARE... but there are just so few with my background that I will probably never find a person near me. I will always be the outsider looking in. The Japanese people will always see me as an outsider. They treat me differently (most of the time they are super nice and helpful - as they are to all outsiders) and I will always be discriminated against when it comes to housing, getting a loan etc. I recently went to the bank to do some business. My husband had changed the CEO from him to me but we had not changed the name at the bank. I asked them how we would go about doing that, and the man started spouting things about how since I don't have Japanese citizenship, this might make it impossible for us to get a loan in the future. I asked him to forget I asked. Truly, I felt so vulnerable at that moment. I don't have any true friends here either - they are all superficial. Don't mistake me, my situation is not pitiful and the fact that I do not have close friends may not all have to do with my situation. I am blessed in many ways and I am usually completely happy. I have these platforms to vent, I have three awesome children and dog, I love my work, I enjoy my hobbies, which do not require any RL friends. It wasn't my intent to make you feel sorry for me, just to explain how I related in some ways with this person in a wheelchair in the society of mostly walking people who are taught to "be nice" to disabled people but whose efforts are superficial; and the difficulties she had finding affordable accessible housing etc.
The book also talks about how people with disability might feel they have to make do with something other than what they really need or want - marry someone for the sake of health insurance for example, instead of love, because of the real fear that they cannot survive otherwise and/or even because they believe they are a charity case and don't deserve the perfect happy ending. This is not something only people with disabilities feel either, is it? How many people actually marry because they are truly in love? I'm thinking at least half of the people on this planet convince themselves they love the person enough but are really marrying for the security or because they don't believe there is that perfect person out there for them, or that they are just not pretty enough or smart enough or worthy enough to get that person. I (and she) will tell any of you who need to hear this - it's better to be single, I promise.
The book is packed full of stuff I was glad to learn specifically about people with a mobility disability, as well as feelings I could relate to in my own life, and she is a great writer so I enjoyed the read and it made me think, a lot! I recommend it highly.
Anyways - sorry for the very very long expose. Some pics of the hydrangeas under cut.
( Read more... )
Saturdays, as I have mentioned before, have been our special family dinner day for many years. With my schedule, Saturday night is the only night that I feel my freedom of having a day off the next day. It is also my busiest day of the week so I am exhausted and ready for a reward for my hard work. Recently, various things have made Saturday inconvenient. My daughter has cram school from 7:00 - 9:00 for one. Then recently I had to add another class at the end of the day, making my finishing time 6:30 instead of 5:30, so it is harder to prepare a special dinner afterwards. But last Saturday, when I asked Audrey if she still wanted something special for Saturday even though she couldn't be there for dinner, she said she did. So last weekend, I got Julian to buy some steaks and beef for taco salad, and I made a nice dinner. Hubby joined the boys and me for dinner and I had some wine but hubby didn't drink because he had gone out to drink the day before. He asked me on the day if he could bring his mom for dinner, but since we hadn't really cleaned house and I had no time on Saturday, I asked him for a rain check. He asked me again later that night if we could ask her for dinner the next day. This made my already busy Sunday even busier and it meant I wouldn't have much time to take a break. But, hubby also offered to go to COSTCO for some chicken and pizza so (other than clean)I only had to prepare a salad, and we hadn't seen MIL in a while so I grudgingly said yes.
Last Sunday, I had choir practice, so I cleaned up the living room in the morning, and hubby got the boys to vacuum while I was out. After dinner, we spent some time playing Old Maid. It is a simple game but it was quite lively and fun. Julian won the game once without even playing by getting sets on all of his cards. It is interesting to watch everyone as we play. Hubby always blabs about how he thinks I (whom he has to pick from) have the joker. Alex and Julian both have good poker faces but I could tell Alex had the joker for 4 out of the 5 games by how Audrey and MIL reacted when they got it LOL
This weekend, Audrey had her Sports Day. It was her last Sports Day before JH graduation but attendance by family members was restricted to one per family and I had classes during her events so Hubby went. I was hoping he'd watch her 100m sprint but he didn't get there in time and just watched the relay. It was a very hot day. The kids were allowed to take off their masks as they ran but hubby said many did not. Several kids also had to leave early from heat stroke.
On Sunday, I had a school admin meeting to attend in the morning as well as choir. That was again rather stressful for me, especially since I have to take Hana for her walk too. But, the admin staff could all come only on a Sunday so it couldn't be helped. I asked Julian if he could take Hana for the walk and he said sure, but I felt better about it on the day and took her myself. We met a couple of friends and I took some hydrangea pictures. At the office meeting, my husband lowered his mask when he was talking and it made me a bit uncomfortable. He then went on to tell everyone at the meeting that he hated the way the mask chaffed at his mouth as he talked so please excuse him for lowering it. I noticed he scooted back a bit so that he was not "in range" of the workers in front of us. We talked a bit about the possibility of removing masks in classes, but decided that we would do so when public schools did, since parents were probably still worried. Teaching a language with a mask on is very counter productive, and I am considering using a plastic mask instead so the kids can see my mouth at least, but ... I really hate those things and for my comfort, I'd rather have a mask. It is a difficult issue. We also talked about how we have gotten to know people during these three years only with their masks on and it will be a shock to see their whole face. The jaw line is a game changer in the way a face looks, you know?! Has anyone experienced this shock? I've experienced it once with some new students I got during the epidemic.
We also talked about one of the students who was quitting, that I mentioned in my previous post. He was a real challenge, especially at 4 years old when he first started. He was unable to sit and listen and do drills with the other kids and it was disruptive. I suspect he is on the spectrum. He got better though, and the other kids also got better at "not being disrupted." His kindergarten told his mom he couldn't stay with them because they didn't have the resources to take care of him, but when his mom told me she was thinking of quitting a few months back when this happened, I told her that the other kids were able to sit in their chairs and listen while he might go off and start rearranging my CDs by color or the numbers on the felt calendar board, and that as long as he was in the room, he was learning something. He was welcome to stay. So she decided not to quit. Recently, he was also able to do some of the drills with them and I was really happy about the improvements. Unfortunately, he also seemed to have family issues. His dad kept using the money that they needed to pay us so the bank transaction never went through. Finally, his mom phoned recently and she told the staff she really appreciated what I had done for her son but she needed to start working so she couldn't bring him anymore (WHAT KIND OF FATHER WAS THIS?! A GAMBLER??). Anyway, we talked about how sorry we felt for this little boy - how it was a tragedy that he was kicked out of his kindergarten and of course his dad's issues which made it impossible for him to go to a proper kindergarten with care and also to continue studying English with me. I am including this story because it ties in with what I write about later.
At choir practice, the topic of conversation was again masks. Ko Matsushita, the composer, is now in Germany. He told our teacher about the mask situation on his trip - on the Japanese airline, the attendant announced that everyone had to wear their masks even when they were sleeping, and that they would wake anyone who happened to fall asleep without. This was regulation. Our teacher felt that was excessive. Then when he got to Germany, no one was wearing masks; even at the airport. We collectively despaired at Japanese society and our inability to take the first step. We also talked about how, children who have been raised for the past three years to always wear masks outside of the home now feel naked without them and that they will have a hard time letting go. I realized that when I went for a walk that morning I had seen people without masks but I myself had kept my mask - except when I pushed it down when no one was around. There I was despairing about Japanese people and I was the one who had kept my mask on. Next time, maybe I need to be more assurtive and act the foreigner so other people feel comfortable taking them off too.
Saturday night, Audrey joined me on the couch. She would not have appreciated The Shooter, so I suggested we watch Goonies together. I had wanted to watch an oldie with her for a while and it was the perfect opportunity. She resisted at first, but agreed to try it and she enjoyed it! Yay for mom/daughter movie night <3
I went on Goodreads to see what my friends were reading and picked up on a book called Sitting Pretty by Rebekah Taussig. It's non-fiction, written by a woman who uses a wheelchair. She writes about disability, her life with disability, how people view it and how it should be viewed to create a better society. It reminded me of several posts written and read here and on Dreamwidth: a Friday Five that made us think of eye glasses for example - how school children would cruelly tease others with glasses only a generation or so ago and how, now, it is nothing out of the ordinary since so many of us have this disability. I mean, unless I think carefully about it, I don't even consider my terribly short sighted eyes as a disability because I can live a normal sighted life with glasses or contact lenses. And just as importantly, I have no interest in even having surgery to regain eyesight, having been this way since I was 8 or 9. This was a key point written by the author - that non-disabled people think all disabled people want to "be cured." The book also reminds the reader that we are all disabled in one form or other. How much of a minority the perfectly functioning and highly productive body and mind is. I mean, it's probably not even "normal" LOL And if anyone has that sort of body and mind, this WILL eventually deteriorate as they grow older even if they are never in an accident, get sick or otherwise find themselves suddenly lacking. So, creating a society where disabled people can function more easily is for everyone's benefit.
In another post, I talked with a friend about how I felt that there was some similarity to my life as a foreigner in Japan to a life of a blind person in society of seeing people, and I felt this again when the author of Sitting Pretty talked about her life as she grew up in a family (whose other members did not have her disability), and as she entered society around her. When you are a child, and in your own family, whatever you are is normal to you. You figure out how to do things the easiest way you can in your situation and you are comfortable in the love of your family. When you enter school or otherwise start to interact with people around you, you see how they see you and you start seeing things differently as well. This was a big shock to the author and it reminded me of how similar I felt when I entered kindergarten here in Japan. All of the kids around me were Japanese. I was the only foreigner. The children were not mean to me that I recall. The teachers would not let them be. Some of the kids I am sure were enchanted by me as many were in the years to come. Total strangers would come up to me and ask to be my friend - I remember two older girls at a public pool in particular - while once in a while I'd get kids trying out their English by shouting "This is a pen!" at me on the street or more often calling me Gaijin (outsider). In both these situations I felt strongly like I did not belong. I wanted soooo much to have black hair and brown eyes like all the other kids and just blend in!
I grew up among Japanese children, but when I entered the missionary school, I found that many of the children there had not. They had been at the American missionary school since kindergarten and grown up among children mostly from the USA. They were again very different from me in that sense. I felt then that I (and a couple others like me) had a sort of advantage in understanding the culture and the language around me, while these children were sheltered by their parents and had missed out on so much. These kids went back to their home country as soon as they graduated, and I don't think any of them came back to Japan to live. Even my best friends who had similar experiences as me ended up living in the USA. It may have been difficult, but they integrated and became a part of the society there. I, on the other hand, went to Canada for university but never felt at home there and I came right back to Japan when I graduated. Culture-wise, I feel most at home here, and that is a fact. Because of my parents' decision to immerse me in Japanese culture, I acquired the language. And because of the timing of entrance into American school I was able to also acquire English - enough that it is my main language as it should as a Canadian. I am very grateful to them for this gift.
But, I will forever be alone in a sense. There is no one who really understands me here or even in my "home country" Canada. Of course, there ARE... but there are just so few with my background that I will probably never find a person near me. I will always be the outsider looking in. The Japanese people will always see me as an outsider. They treat me differently (most of the time they are super nice and helpful - as they are to all outsiders) and I will always be discriminated against when it comes to housing, getting a loan etc. I recently went to the bank to do some business. My husband had changed the CEO from him to me but we had not changed the name at the bank. I asked them how we would go about doing that, and the man started spouting things about how since I don't have Japanese citizenship, this might make it impossible for us to get a loan in the future. I asked him to forget I asked. Truly, I felt so vulnerable at that moment. I don't have any true friends here either - they are all superficial. Don't mistake me, my situation is not pitiful and the fact that I do not have close friends may not all have to do with my situation. I am blessed in many ways and I am usually completely happy. I have these platforms to vent, I have three awesome children and dog, I love my work, I enjoy my hobbies, which do not require any RL friends. It wasn't my intent to make you feel sorry for me, just to explain how I related in some ways with this person in a wheelchair in the society of mostly walking people who are taught to "be nice" to disabled people but whose efforts are superficial; and the difficulties she had finding affordable accessible housing etc.
The book also talks about how people with disability might feel they have to make do with something other than what they really need or want - marry someone for the sake of health insurance for example, instead of love, because of the real fear that they cannot survive otherwise and/or even because they believe they are a charity case and don't deserve the perfect happy ending. This is not something only people with disabilities feel either, is it? How many people actually marry because they are truly in love? I'm thinking at least half of the people on this planet convince themselves they love the person enough but are really marrying for the security or because they don't believe there is that perfect person out there for them, or that they are just not pretty enough or smart enough or worthy enough to get that person. I (and she) will tell any of you who need to hear this - it's better to be single, I promise.
The book is packed full of stuff I was glad to learn specifically about people with a mobility disability, as well as feelings I could relate to in my own life, and she is a great writer so I enjoyed the read and it made me think, a lot! I recommend it highly.
Anyways - sorry for the very very long expose. Some pics of the hydrangeas under cut.
( Read more... )
